i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
