as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
