I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i already hear my dad disowning me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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