85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
