having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
