im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
