I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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