Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
