remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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