I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize