battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
