brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
