Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
