the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
