Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
