Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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