allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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