Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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