Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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