My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
