Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize