No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
