Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
