I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
