I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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