I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
