my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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