Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
