I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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