..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
