There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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