I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
