um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
