i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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