....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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