what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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