well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize