Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize