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My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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