eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
