i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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