he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
