Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
