i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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