update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
