I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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