Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Never underestimate the power of titties
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize