If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
