Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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