I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
