dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
