Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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