he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
