I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
