I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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