Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
