Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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