Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
