Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
