Please, let me fuck your mom
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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